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I can’t believe just how called out by this post I feel. There are lots of good tips and recommendations throughout this thread, but this one in particular seems to sum up not only my behaviors that I described above, but with a lot of oddities in how I do things. In particular, these are some notable items you mentioned that I do on a regular basis:
- “…the reason I (for example) restart video games instead of playing to the end is because my stress response is messed up, and my solution to a fun game going sour is to “reboot” and seek a redo (just like how I left home, or quit some jobs to get away from stressful people!).”
- “Set up entire websites and message forums just to get away from IRL stuff that sucked.”
- “You sound like you’re in tech, maybe a programmer…”
- “Things turn black and white–either everything is absolutely 100% perfect, or you’ve failed and you’re going to burn in hell with all the other failures!”
I really appreciate this comment. It’s one of the few that are really emphasizing that these are habits that seem more design, subconsciously, to pull me away from true feelings. Some feelings I tend to experience in connection with these episodes lack of purpose, imposter syndrome, hurt, etc. I’ve been responding to commenters throughout that I think therapy and mindfulness of these behaviors is my most logical next steps, but I’m really appreciative of the recommendations and personal experiences you’ve shared with us. It definitely makes me feel like I’m not alone in this world.
It’s definitely a crutch for me. I’ve used exercise several times recently to give myself an attitude adjustment.