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The brain truly is a fucked up machine that wants itself to feel as terrible as possible. The way it does this is by giving large short term rewards to stuff that make you feel worse and worse long term.
Working out and living healthily is not about seducing people, it’s about making yourself feel better by engaging in stuff that yields long term rewards, even though they feel like fruitless efforts in the moment to moment gameplay of dopamine.
Having gone there and back my experience is that giving up feels really good, but in a much more real sense it feels terrible. And just reading your post I can see you feel terrible.
The good news is when you’re that low, any sustained effort can make you feel a bit better. Seeking professional help is one that’s a bit hard to start but a bit easier to ritualize into a habit.
I think he said fuck